Fear

According to the Mirriam Webster Dictionary,

Fear is:

: "to be afraid of (something or someone)

: to expect or worry about (something bad or unpleasant)

: to be afraid and worried."

 Fear is the antithesis trust.

If I hadn't been forced to function today,

I would have sat down at Mass and done 

nothing.

I was terrified.

I was actually shaking.

My hands were white, 

Fear overwhelmed me.

Why would anyone be so full of fear in this encounter with our God?

I don't know.  I can't explain it, but I can only say that I did not trust.

It's been over 3 months since I cantored at Mass the last time.

My daughter has been seriously ill this summer.

I have been her caretaker.

Since she lives in another city, I have not been able to participate in the ministries at Church.

Cantoring has been one of these ministries.

I'm not the strongest cantor at Church, but I will do.

I practiced the materials for the last 5 days.

I had trouble with a couple of pieces, but I thought they would work out.

 

When I got to church for rehearsal, I found out that the organist I was expecting wasn't there.

She had a sub.

I was nervous enough.

The organist is one man who, for whatever reason, intimidates me.

He's never been unkind.

I don't know why he intimidates me, but he does.

That didn't help my nervousness.

It only got worse.  

I had trouble hitting the high notes.

Things only went from bad to worse.

I wanted to sit and cry after Mass.

I was so ashamed.

 

I don't know the problem.

I just know that I was in a state of great anxiety and panic.

 

I prayed for help, but there was none.

I am still trying to sort this out.

Fear does not equal trust in God.

What I know:

I have never experienced such debilitating fear.

 

Ironically the psalm was Psalm 93:

 

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.      

He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;      

he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths
    for his name’s sake.

 Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
    I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff—
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows^.

  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    my whole life long.

 

God made me aware that I need to trust HIM completely. 

I didn't Trust today.

It's time to stop focusing on this.

The collective memory of a crowd is short.

I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.

Lord,

I come to you in awe of Your greatness.

I thank You for all that You have done and given me.

I praise You!

I adore You!

Lord, I come to do Your Will.

I give You my fears and anxieties. 

I give You All that I am and will be.

Lord,

I seek to do Your Will.

Help me to trust You, especially in times of fear.

I want to trust.

I need to trust.

Lord, I am Yours.

Help me.

Thank You!